Oh, the knot in my chest!

I woke up this morning with the feeling of stress! I think it's all starting to hit me. I woke up to a room that was a disaster and feeling like I just need a day to clean and pack up what is staying here. I still have to read and take my pre-departure exam that is due sooner than I care to admit. More Kiswahili lessons wouldn't hurt either. I know I'll survive. I'm feeling this way because I'm tired. Tiredness doesn't negate the legitimate feeling though.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and the week to follow. I know it's going to be a lot, but it's part of the journey. I spoke with a good friend/mentor yesterday and she helped put a lot of this in perspective. It was an encouraging conversation that really helped me out.

If I ever do this over, the one things I would do differently is work less prior to my departure. The money is great, but there has been little self-care time. I'm hoping to make it home relatively early tonight and get some things done. Really, thought, I want to sleep. :)

Have Courage?

Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

I've come to realize in the last few months that I've lost some courage. It's more of a slow eating away in my confidence that I'll be safe and everything will work out; this is not only in regards to my trip to Tanzania but also my life in general.

I think that part of this journey for me is a restoration of my courage. Not recklessness, but courage to live without hesitation. I am challenging myself to muster up the courage to explore and prove to myself that I am the person I remember. I've gone through my guide book and looked for places to go and things to do...and I plan on doing them. Maybe not all of them, but I want to get out and experience Tanzania.

In the past few years, I've gone through some circumstances that have caused me to be less than my adventurous self. This is a journey back to the heart of who I am and a time of reflection on the things I know I want to do with my life. I'm puling out this mission statement that I wrote several years ago during my first year with Street Rock. I think that was the time in my life where I had the clearest picture of where I was headed. It may be rudimentary, but I can build on it. I truly believe that I heard clearly and discerned with my heart what I should know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psalm 27:14 Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Packing and Gift Giving

I thought that I was almost done shopping and on my way to packing for this trip. I recently found out that I have further gift purchases to make. What I bought already feels completely inadequate or inappropriate. Now I'm headed back to the store...multiple stores at this point to get what I think I need. Yikes! Twenty, yes 20, days from now, I'll be in the Amsterdam airport hoping that what I packed is sufficent and that no one has or will rifle through my bags. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all there. Barbara said to pack light...I think I'm trying. I have no idea how to narrow down what I need for clothes especially in regards to my newly developed photosensitivity...the last two times I've gotten in the sun, I break out in hives. Ick!

Gift giving is a big tradition and expectation. I have no idea how to give approproiate gift that still are a bit unique to reflect me.

29 Days!

Yesterday was the one month mark. I think the butterflies hit in full swing. I am so excited to be leaving, but I am realized even more the little things I know I'm going to miss. I'm trying to focus on the experiences I going to have, though that little missing it before I'm gone feeling still sticks sometimes.

In preparation for my departure, I went shopping yesterday for the things I know I'm going to need. I went without a written list. When I compared my purchases when I came home, I did pretty well. The only big things I forgot were a watch with an alarm, duct tape, and vitamins. Nothing too major seeing I still have a few weeks.

I was reading my Oswald Chambers devotional a few days ago and the quote below really stuck with me. I think I've read it every year and when I get back to it there is a whole new meaning uncovered.

If you debate for a second when God has spoken, it is all up. Never begin to say - "Well, I wonder if He did speak?" Be reckless immediately, fling it all out on Him. You do not know when His voice will come, but whenever the realization of God comes in the faintest way imaginable, recklessly abandon. It is only by abandon that you recognize Him. You will only realize His voice more clearly by recklessness.

I feel as though this is what this trip is for me. I believe that God said, "Go." I'm throwing it all out there in faith believing that while I am gone more of who I am will be revealed to me through His awesomeness and the expereince and reflection I will have. What will be of me when I return...I have no idea. I do know that I will grow.

...like a warm, comfortable bed...

I've been reading in preparation for my trip and I came across the following quote in the book. It caused me to think a bit...
Good memories are like a warm, comfortable bed after a tiring day. They receive the tired soul like a mother who takes a child that runs to her for safety into her cuddly embrace. Good memories say: here, everything will be okay again. They open windows and so hope gets an extended lease.
Memories are the things that sustain us when it's hard to see the end. I know they have given me life...and a bit of heartache. I've been reflecting on good memories and so many of them have been shared with you all. I'll soon be making more that I can share with you. It won't be first-hand, but I promise to be an engaging story teller upon my return.