What I've been pondering.

This is from a few days ago. By now we all know that Tanzanian electricity and Internet aren't the most predictable things.

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09.01.2008 7:45 pm

I feel more than ever that I am headed down the right track with what I am doing and where I am going. I laid in bed last night after reading half of Three Cups of Tea and wept. I read the story of a man who is pursuing his passion to change the lives of individuals and he is doing it so simply. I started thinking about the thought that has been swimming around in my head and heart for weeks; after seeing the state of the maternity ward in Steven’s village outside of Arusha, I want to do something about it. As my thoughts wandered through plans, lists and questions, my heart felt full and complete. The tears flowed and my thoughts drifted to a scripture that I’ve learned well. The whole passage has been relevant to me at times in the last two years and provided comfort in very uncomfortable times. For the first time in a long time, I saw an alternative interpretation to the scripture I’ve been clinging to for a long time Isaiah 54:1
“’Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud you have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,’ says the Lord”.

Until last night I’ve looked at that verse with a different perspective. Last night when sleep evaded me and my heart was exposed in the stillness of my room, I heard it differently. Yes, I have not labored with a child, but I have the opportunity to leave a legacy to a community of mothers. I know not the joy of having a child, yet I hope to never feel the grief of loosing one. I know how I felt after Mom “miscarried” the twins. That loss is big enough for me. I still think about them sometimes and what it would be like to have a younger brother and sister a bit older than my youngest sister. They would be eleven or so now. I, as one who has not labored can sing with joy in my heart for I will be able to know that I had a part in the lives of all of the women and children my dream will help. It is completely daunting, humbling and overwhelming. I can’t shake it though. It feels like the right thing to do. I trust my heart on this one. I have no idea how it will happen, I just know that it needs to. At the same time I wept at my new understanding of the dream in my heart, I felt completely humbled that God has chosen me.

I start now down the road of planning and praying. I know that it could become consuming and overwhelming. I start this journey knowing that it will not be just me that makes this happen. There are people I am to partner with. I believe that part of the dream that has always been a seed in my heart has been watered by the people of Tanzania.

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“There will be nothing left but memories and legacy that God breathes life into. My life’s goal is bigger than me; I start the journey and then pass on the torch when the time is right.”